When Someone You Love Is Struggling: How to Be There Without Trying to Fix It
It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle with anxiety, depression, trauma, or just a hard season of life. If you’ve been in that situation you’ve probably instinctively wanted to make it better. I bet you’ve searched for the right words, tried to give great advice, or looked for something that could calm them down or solve their problem.
We do this because we don’t like to see our loved ones struggle but the truth is, when someone is struggling, this is rarely what they need. Most people don’t want great advice or need to be fixed. They need to feel seen and understood.
Start Here: slow yourself down and notice your own experience
When someone you care about is overwhelmed, your nervous system reacts too. You might feel anxious, helpless, frustrated, or even scared. The urge to jump into solutions is often as much about calming yourself as it is about helping them.
Before you speak, try to take a brief pause, notice what you’re feeling, and ask yourself “Am I trying to solve this because I’m uncomfortable?”.
This is so important because if you can steady yourself first, what you’ll communicate to your loved one is “Your pain doesn’t overwhelm me. I can stay present.”
That steadiness can have a much stronger impact than any advice or solution you could offer.
“Bearing Witness” and “Holding Space”
“Bearing witness” and “holding space” are terms that have become quite popular recently but I find most people don’t really understand what they mean. These are both terms that describe the practice of allowing someone’s experience to exist without trying to reshape it. It’s choosing to stay present with their reality, even when it’s messy or uncomfortable, perhaps for both of you.
This isn’t just a passive way of being. It’s actively trying to really see them.
It looks like:
Letting them talk without interrupting
Being curious about what the experience meant to them
Allowing them to explore how it affected their sense of self
Staying with the feeling instead of steering toward a fix
When people feel rushed toward solutions, they often feel alone and their emotions become more intense but when they feel deeply understood, their emotions often naturally settle.
Why Advice Can Feel Invalidating
Most of us have heard some version of this when we were struggling:
“At least…”
“It could be worse.”
“Just try to…”
“Don’t think like that.”
“Have you tried…?”
This is usually very well intentioned but often what it really communicates is:
You’re too much. I can’t handle you like this.
This is inconvenient.
Let’s make this go away.
When someone shares something vulnerable and we move straight to problem-solving, it can unintentionally communicate that their feelings are just too big for us and that they will have to deal with them alone.
Understanding needs to come first. Advice, if it comes at all, comes later.
Practical Ways to Be There for Someone You Love
Here are some practical ways you can be present in a helpful way for someone who is struggling…
1. Reflect What You Hear
After someone shares their struggle with you, reflect what you hear they may be feeling. You don’t have to be perfect. Try something like:
“Sounds like you felt really dismissed.”
“It seems like that left you feeling helpless.”
“I’m hearing that you felt embarrassed.”
If you get it wrong, they’ll correct you and it gives you an opportunity to understand them more fully. That’s connection.
It’s important to note that naming what they might be feeling doesn’t mean you agree with their interpretation. It means you’re trying to understand their emotional experience.
2. Validate Without Fixing
Validation sounds like:
“That makes sense.”
“Of course that hurt.”
“I can see why that would feel overwhelming.”
You’re not endorsing every conclusion but you are acknowledging that their emotional response makes sense in context.
3. Ask Open Questions
Instead of steering toward a solution, see if you can stay curious. You could ask questions like:
“What was that like for you?”
“What felt hardest about that?”
“Does this feel like it means something about you?”
Those kinds of questions invite depth. They help the person feel seen.
4. Tolerate some Silence
Silence can feel awkward but often it’s where the real processing is happening. If you can stay quietly present and attentive, what you’re communicating is: You don’t have to rush. I’m still here.
5. Remember It’s Not Yours to Carry
Loving someone doesn’t mean taking responsibility for their healing.
You can encourage support. You can sit beside them. You can care deeply.
But you cannot do the work for them.
If their anxiety, depression, or trauma feels like more than you can handle on your own, counselling can offer a space where they don’t have to filter themselves to protect the people they love.
The Quiet Power of Staying
Being there for someone is less about having the right words and more about being regulated enough to stay present and attuned.
When someone feels understood:
Shame softens
Defensiveness drops
Their story becomes clearer
Their nervous system settles
That’s not small. That’s powerful.
If you’re supporting someone in Duncan or the Cowichan Valley and need guidance on how to show up well, or if you’re anywhere in Canada and looking for virtual counselling support, therapy can help both the person who is struggling and the people who love them.
You don’t have to fix it.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can say is:
“I’m here. Tell me more.”